...reading Sally Mann’s words again, words that made a deep impression on me when I read them earlier in the summer (incidentally, since when I have intended to write on BenWeb about photography, art and otherwise, and Sally Mann, and in particular her book, Hold Still) and that left me wondering about my memories of Ben, reading her words again, my reaction has moved on. It has moved on today, as a result of that personal anniversary of my own tomorrow, and looking back at the photographs I have from that time (and around then).
I have a different take now on Sally Mann’s words, which need to be seen, I now think, in the context of Sally’s feelings about her father. I think her words reveal more about her relationship with her father than about the claim that she makes for the impoverishment of memory due to having photographs. I agree that sometimes memories seem to consist of simply the precise image in a photograph, the precise instant captured by the camera (and Mann talks more about the fact of that instant only being just that, especially regarding photos of faces: a snapshot (pun intended) which records a specific moment in the flow of reality, an expression that has been frozen on a dynamic face). Memories being based entirely on a photo can especially be the case for photos taken of us as younger children: we may not remember the occasion because we were too young, but the photograph becomes our memory, often along with memories from other members of one’s family.
However, as I review the photos I have, both of Ben and taken by Ben, those photos do evoke Ben for me. They do remind me of his physical presence, his emotional presence, of the things he said and did, what he felt like, smelled like (! Sometimes rather too emphatically!), sounded like. And all of the little (and big) things to do with him that I have around me mean that he is a part of my life every moment, through living in the presence of his work, his ideas (my server designed and built by him – and in need of his input from time to time to keep it fully functional) his thoughts, his preferences.
So, how will it be tomorrow? Tomorrow will show me. But in the meantime, I may well look at photos...and they may spur in me thoughts, ideas, feelings, projects...but I think they will also evoke for me memories, as well as present feelings, of Ben.
(don't know where this photo came from...but it is,
I believe, the last one of Ben at Phoenix Barn...)
¡Que haya luz! Kerenza ha yeghes da! Dad/Andrew x
[Ed: Luke sent this:]
Deepest love to you Andrew.
Those images of Ben, with his hair like that, fill in a bit of a blank for me as the 'last time I spoke to Ben' will be coming up at the start of April, his hair had gotten even crazier by then. Memory is a strange beast; things seem fuzzy when we want them to be clear, in turn, things can be stark or strident, when we don't want them to be. You talk of Ben's choices, Ben's ideas, and whether they are still with us. I believe they are; the latest thing has been the origami cranes, which I noticed adorned an outfit of drag queen who has gone viral recently, the outfit with golden origami cranes has over 7 million views.
The fact he is gone from this world feels sharp, it stings, I still find time to sob, once a week - I weep that the bestest friend I ever had is not coming back. I love him so much x
[Ed: here's that crazier hair on Ben! With Claudio (I think)...
...and also - thank you for telling me about this, Morelia! - with pierced ears and mushroom earrings!!!]
[Ed: I had this email from Morelia:]
On Ben's hair. dear suegro;
was reading Luke's comment on Ben's hair when he sent those pictures and was also very pleased to see that picture with Claudio. two good looking lads having fun.
I remember once when we were deciding if we should eat dinner in a "posh" restaurant up north of Colima or just go to a bar and sit down with a beer. (I was still drinking, stopped the day Ben passed away) Ben said he would rather stay downtown because his hair was kind of a mess and we clashed a bit together, and very importantly, "he didn't have his hat on". (I guess he said that because I was wearing makeup and a dress). He said his sides were growing a bit too much for his liking and he wanted to cut it fresh again. I told him I could do it, but maybe Claudio could also do it, if he had a machine at home.
Around those days I had long, black, curly hair, but had been talking to Ben about getting a mullet; and I remember it was one of the last dates before he went off to Guadalajara; and he asked
- "What? Like me?" and I said
-"No. Yours is kind of a long mohawk, looks good, though."
-"One of the last things I did before I left the UK was to shave my head, just like this"
-"Maybe I'll do it too- I said- very punk"
-"Yes, very punk."
I made him promise to still like me when he came back from Guadalajara and I had a mullet on. He said he promised. Now, I have my sides shaved off. I don't know. I hope he thinks I look good...